Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Bald Eagle

An Excerpt From Hamilton’s Modern Bestiary
Bald Eagle
The Bald Eagle is one the world’s largest species of raptor,[1] with a size similar to that of a Wild Turkey’s. Coincidentally, Benjamin Franklin suggested adopting the latter as the national bird for the United States of America, but the inventor-statesman was ignored[2] and the eagle was chosen. The decision was largely based on the bald eagle’s appearance; it’s formidable talons, hooked beak, and glaring golden eyes embodied the strength the forefathers hoped to imbue in their new nation. A lesser known reason is that the clean white head feathers reminded people of powdered wigs so much that it was originally named the wigged eagle and considered to be the politician of the bird world. This name did not last long, however, as the price of high quality wigs led to several very literal-minded men to attempt to steal these supposed eagle-wigs. After receiving a fifth report of an eagle-related maiming, it decided that the name should be changed, and so it became the bald eagle.[3]
Many consider a bald eagle in flight to be an impressive display of grace and power. This is especially true of their courtship behavior, a series of complex aerial maneuvers that includes grasping one another’s talons while falling to the ground. They will not let go or spread their wings until the last possible moment. The eagles are not unlike some humans in this respect; the realization of what has not yet been experienced in life can turn a brush with death into a powerful aphrodisiac.[4] Unfortunately, I have very little first hand experience with bald eagles; my only sighting of one was on a fishing trip in Minnesota. It was an impressive sight, although the feeling was reduced since the eagle had, in a single attempt, plucked from the water a fish twice the size of anything I had caught that entire week. In general, eagles are very difficult to spot; I suspect this one allowed itself to be seen by me in order to mock my unskilled fishing. In any case, a wild bald eagle is not a common sight, due in part to the endangerment of the species in the middle of the past century. This was not the result of jealous fisherman, finally fed up with the smug eagles,[5] but was caused the use of pesticides. Many eagles were killed by the poison, and those who survived would lay eggs that were far too fragile. This is a sad reminder that all too often, it is the future generations who are forced to pay the price of carelessness.

Footnotes:
[1] That is, a bird of prey. Not a dinosaur. Although, that would be pretty cool.
[2] Historians believe that if Franklin had succeeded in his attempts to create a lightning gun, not only would the turkey be the national bird, but he would be King Benjamin I of Franklinopia. Also, there would be no bifocals.
[3] Benjamin Franklin wanted to call it the Acne Buzzard, due its white head. Most experts agree that he was still angry about the turkey.
[4] I do not, however, recommend attempting to use this while on a date.
[5] Except for one case. The fisherman immediately regretted his actions, however, and vowed to raise the chicks of the dead eagle alongside his own. Incredibly, this unusual family succeeded, and the eaglets made it to adulthood. Two of them returned to the wild, while the third chose to attend college and is currently a legal secretary.

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